we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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