I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
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Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
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Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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