hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
