maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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