Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
