i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
