the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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