Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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