party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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