My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My cat gives me a boner
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
