You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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