She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
