you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
