having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
