woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
