I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
