But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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