I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize