There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
