How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
