i just wanna soil my oats bro
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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