we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
