I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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