sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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