I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
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So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
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I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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