Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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