I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
