So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
