she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
