Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
