You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
please don't ironically join a cult
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