I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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