my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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