i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It was like giving head to a cactus.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
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