shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
