Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
