In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
