I think I am morally bankrupt
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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