Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
