Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
