During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
