Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Operation Purity has been aborted
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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