I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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