He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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