genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
