Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
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