I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
