his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
