I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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