Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
