i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
