Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
