I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
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I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
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