I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
