Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
