If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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