he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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